● Letting Go
❥┃ ❚How do I know if I'm holding on too long or not long enough?
I love her more than anything, these last 16 years have been absolutely fucking incredible.
I have no words, or maybe too many, I just don't have the heart nor the mental capacity to write it all down, still I'll try
Decided to make the appointment to give her a peaceful goodbye, and It sucks b/c all that runs through my mind is ❞what if it's too soon❞, but also what if it's not soon enough, and I end up watching her suffer struggling to even move as she gets worse, just hoping for a miracle that she would get better I couldn't bear to be responsible for her suffering, just b/c I wasn't strong enough to make the choice needed to protect her. I feel like I'm breaking the silent promise I made to her, to choose an end I never wanted, and to carry the weight of that decision. For better or worst, It hurts
Even when the choice was/is made out of love. The ultimate expression of our love for our pets is the daily commitment to their care. So when we must make a final decision for them, it can feel like a contradiction of everything we promised them to keep them safe. A decision that feels like a betrayal of the very trust we built. I assume it's just a matter of perspective, I need to not let the darkness consume me and my thoughts and find the joy within the moments that I shared with her and reflect on all the wonderful memories that we've shared and made. Since sometimes I tend to let my negative thoughts win over me
So why do I feel like such a villain in her story? Why do I feel such conflict on my mind? No matter the choice that I make it feels like they're all wrong, there is no good choice, mercy and harm seem to wear the same face. If I keep you longer I risk making you suffer, If I let you go too soon I'll always question myself if I made the right choice The final act of love I had to show you was to let you go. But it's a terrible, heavy thing to carry, knowing that your life ended because I made that choice. It feels like the ultimate betrayal, even though I did it to protect you It would have been just as bad or even worst If I decided to hold on.
Feels like my internal compass is broken. Every direction points to a different kind of pain, which just makes me feel like I'm a terrible father for not being strong enough to do what is needed when it's needed, or perhaps because I don't know how to choose for a life I'm meant and want to protect.
If I extend her days, I shoulder the risk of prolonging her pain If I let her go too soon, I accept the certainty of her ending. Both paths demand I live with the weight of consequence. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. There is no winning, there's no such thing.
Maybe I'm just too emotional, but through all the struggles and imperfections of who I am as a person, she was always there. It's silly to think otherwise, where else could she go, right?
Fuck sakes, to feel love, to be loved, and to give love is a beautiful but, also a painfully heartbreaking experience.
Those moments are so beautiful yet the memories will still hurt, you hold on to those wonderful moments, but you know you would do anything to have them physically here.
Shit sucks I love you and I will always thank you for allowing me to experience love in a way I never have before, to experience what it's like to love someone so deeply that I would do anything for, thank you for showing me how to love myself even with all of my imperfections. I'm not the only one who goes through this, we all experience the lost of a loved one at some point. But it's never easy, and it always fucking hurts.
One of the greatest things she taught me was how to be present. She lived every moment completely, I was so lucky to be a part of her world. Every time I was with her, I learned not to look forward or backward, there was no past or future with her, there was only ever the now. Even all the memories we reflect on are moments we experience in the present. So I've realized now that there is truly only ever "now".
I will hold on to the memories of every Christmas and holidays we shared. I'll feel those moments in the now, and they will continue to live on within me. I hope there is some kind of heaven or something beyond what we are now. If there isn't, it all just seems hopeless to me. To live, to die, and be nothing in the end. I don't know, maybe some people find comfort in knowing there is nothing I guess at that point when you truly become nothing you will feel nothing and know nothing. I rather not want that personally. Something about it seems, IDK, depressing to me. Knowing she was here, and now she no longer is nothing I don't want to believe that at the very least, I will keep her alive in my memories and in my heart for as long as I live. I love you so much Thank you for everything, I hope to see you one day again in the future... I'll try my best to have a positive outlook on life and not be so hard on myself for you. I'll keep being present, just like you taught me to be❚ ▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
⎡ Looking back to when I first got her, it's just interesting how life or random acts of choices from others affect current events. She was never supposed to be mine, I had already picked out a dog that I wanted, which was a boy and a completely different color than her.
Someone else ended up getting them first because I wasn't able to make it in time to pick the one I wanted, and they didn't want to save it for me. She ended up being the last one not picked by anybody So just having that memory makes me tear up, as things could have been a lot different if the circumstances were different. I'm so glad she ended up in my life, as I would have never experienced all the wonderful moments with you that we created. ⎦
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